Human Nature
Human nature tells us that even though we are wired for struggle, we yearn for connection and belonging. What happens to us when we do not satisfy those inherent needs? When we do not feel a connection to others or have a sense of belonging? Over time we may develop anxiety, stress, addictions, trauma, and even depression. Therefore, creating a deeper sense of connection and belonging in our lives is one step in healing some of the most major forms of physical, emotional and psychological discomfort.
To understand the power of connection and belonging, I want to first introduce an incredible passage. I find the power of connection and belonging best explained and emphasized by one of my favorite authors, Brené Brown from her book Braving The Wilderness:
"True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are." – Brené Brown
Connection To Ourselves
Finding true belonging starts with belonging and connecting to oneself. When you are not able to belong to yourself, feelings of depersonalization and lack of self-ownership (confidence) become the everyday norm. Anxiety, depression, trauma, and lack of healthy relationships are formed because of the inability to belong to one-self.
So how do you belong to yourself?
True connection and belonging starts with literally being able to feel connected to yourself. Over the course of my career, I've had dozens of clients who struggle with depression, trauma, and addiction. The first practice I implement on their path of healing is allowing and creating an opportunity for my clients to feel their own body's sensations. Not only do I work in creating a safe space so they can embody any emotion, I believe that it is crucial for clients to build a sense of resilience and comfort in facing any strong emotions or triggers in their own body.
Human beings are feeling bodies that think, not thinking bodies that feel. We feel first, think second. Connection to ourselves is connecting to our feelings. True belonging starts with allowing and facing any emotion or feeling that comes up without avoidance, numbing, or judgment.
Owning Our Connection
After creating a sense of connection, we must own our connection. Throughout my practice, I serve clients in empowering them to own their sense of self, further strengthening their sense of agency in their life.
What do I mean by own?
Owning our connection means to get curious with who we are, what motivates us, and why should we get out of bed everyday. Ultimately, we need to practice self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love. For you to feel these powerful experiences, you must connect to your purpose, set of values, goals, and beliefs.
I often ask my clients, "What are you values?" or "What set of values guide you in your life?" or if they've never created values or feel disconnected from them, I might ask, "What values would you like to start practicing or reclaim in your life?" The reason I ask this simple question is initiate an internal process within my clients. This leads to self-reflection and a sense of agency in owning their life. We must learn and accept ourselves before we establish the connection that will ultimately serve as a tool to healing depression, addiction, relationships, and anxiety.
True Belonging
Brené Brown focuses on two aspects of true belonging, one being that you can share your most authentic self and to be who you are.
The essence of true belonging follows true connection to oneself. Once we understand and accept ourselves, we can share our most authentic self with the world. The connection you make to yourself is unique and does not have a right or wrong. The hard work is about being vulnerable to whatever shows up.
However, sharing your connected self requires you to set boundaries around your values and beliefs. In my practice, one of the easiest ways to remove guilt or resentment within relationships that often cause stress, anxiety, or depression is to operate within a set of boundaries. I can't tell you how many times I tell my three young adult sons the importance of setting boundaries. Almost every time my son calls me and experiences some resentment, I ask him to reflect on two things: his values and his boundaries.
Setting personal boundaries allow you the freedom of taking responsibility for your own emotions or actions and not the actions or emotions of other people. It's empowering for people to make decisions without feeling resentment or guilt because they acted within their own boundaries. This is the start of true belonging. Belonging to yourself so you can share yourself.
The Power of Connection and Belonging
There is nothing more powerful then knowing who you are. Knowing who you are empowers you to never compromise nor jeopardize your self worth. Connection and belonging runs deep within human nature and at the heart of all of this, is curiosity. The more curious you can be with yourself, the more curious you can be with others.
The strength of a relationship is dependent upon the level of curiosity you are able to bring to the table. Overcoming depression, anxiety, or addiction starts with getting curious with ourselves so we can befriend ourselves. In true belonging, we can stand alone in the wild and be completely content. There is no need to fear your body, your mind, or your feeling because they are simply, you. You don't need to walk in someone else's shoes to move through life yearning for connection and belonging, you need only be curious within yourself. With curiosity, you can practice self-compassion and self-acceptance.
Owning the connection to your body, mind, values, beliefs, allows you to embrace the worthiness you already possess. The power of connection and belonging satisfies the very basic human need that ultimately can heal us from anxiety, addiction, relationship struggles, and trauma. Over the course of my career, I've found the study of connection and belonging one of the most important foundations in my therapy practice.
Thank you for reading!
-Beverly Teller M.A., LMFT
